To my Y,
Last week I was walking alone one a bridge, a very rusty bridge, just like the colors of your eyes when you make love to her now. It was 2 in the morning, only birds were singing to their babies to sleep, the water rushing for no reason and the smell of green filled my lungs with your name.
Ever since I decide to leave, I have again celebrated my birthday without you and I wondered didn’t you even feel bad? I have put my heart and soul to make your day always special and always you have left me. I still cannot get over the pain you caused me but then I walk and I smell us. The colors talk to me but also to that little girl inside, that one you hurt so deep that she no longer is talking to me. I wonder where are you? I have a feeling that you are moving soon. But how can I go back again to our streets? You have no idea how much I am attached to every single corner we ever passed. the smell of your hands , stupid mind , beautiful skin and most importantly my love … you!!
I wanted to be time for a moment ,the more I learn in these classes the closer I get to realise that all this life is a man made play and so is time! we create time yet we waste it or rush it .. time is an illusion , it will never cure any pain. I wonder every night , when there is wine and ghosts, what are you doing? have you been thinking about me? or my image is fading? I am so scared love , I need to channel my energy with you, the one that I gave access to the inner me. Are you here? do you hear me? Imagine that now any photo of a man and his dog reminds me of you, it is the closest thing I have of you! my mood swings are killing me , once I hate you, 10 times I want to make endless love to you. It burns and burns and burns.
I am so likely to be engaged next year , YES .. engaged ! and I so wanted this to be you! I dreamt like all girls of the night I will have a home with you , home was against all except time , you stole time and also used it against me ! like everything else you did ! it is more than sad to believe that all the allegations you had against me are nothing but excuses to run away from me! I still remember your finger on my lip , dick inside and your words: you are mine. I am captured.
I made a tattoo of a raven close to my heart . so not only the triangles but also the raven to mark your black love on my skin.
I miss talking to you .. praying on your face .. watching you painting … listening to our music … cuddling with you on your sofa … coffee .. singing late night blues next to you ….
But you are leaving and I have left … I wish that whatever will come.. will only bring happiness to you , even though I am sure that no one will love you nor spoil you the way I did or ever wanted to do!
Your victim /survivor.