I know you are never going to read this and it gives me confidence to write everything that I wish I had the courage to tell to your face.
You started texting me again. I’d lie if I say that I wasn’t happy at the moment I saw your name. Happy, but also surprised. A few months before that you came to stay with me. We had the best time ever. Even when we were together we didn’t laugh that much or just talk like we did then. It was amazing to walk with you after all that time, to hold your hand and be able to kiss you every time I wanted to. Magical. It was magical. But I knew it was too good to be true. We came back and you started avoiding me, acting cold and distant. And I just knew. We’ve been through this so many times before. I knew what you were going to say even before you said it. Even though we had a great time, you didn’t want to get back together. You weren’t ready to be in a relationship, especially a relationship with me. You were sorry you hurt me and you just wanted the best for me. When I actually saw your message I didn’t know if I shoul laugh or cry. Gods, I went completely numb, cause I knew that if I gave myself a chance I would be sobbing. Enough was enough. You have destroyed me so many times over the years and two nervous breakdowns by the age of 24 are more than enough. The pain you’ve caused me is enough to last me a lifetime. Stupid, stupid little girl, thinking you were going to change, that for once you would put me first, give me the love I deserve, the respect I deserve. I got to hand it to you though, after so many times you finally found the right words to say. No more breaking up via texts or saying mean things. Nooo, you are a gentleman now. *insert snort here* You want me to be happy, want only what’s best for me. Are you serious right now? If you wanted what’s best for me, you wouldn’t have made me have sex when I clearly wasn’t into it, you would have been my support when I had family problems and most of all, you wouldn’t have made fun of my medical condition. Saying that nothing is wrong and that’s all in my head is so rude. Having a tumor is not funny. Knowing that you might never be able to have kids is not funny. It’s a struggle for me everyday. You were supposed to love me and take care of me and all you’ve ever done is make me feel like I am not worthy. And there are days when I believe you. I listen to that small voice in my head telling me that I am not good enough, that I am not blonde enough, that I am not social enough. That I should change this and I should change that. Fuck you. Let me say it again. Fuck you. I am enough. I am worthy. You made me doubt myself as a female, you made me doubt my qualities. I am a good person. I am a woman who knows what she wants out of life. And so what if I don’t fit into your mold. So what if I am not what society tells us that is acceptable. Being different is not a crime. Being an individual is not a crime. I am fine with the way I am. I love all my quirks, my weird laugh. I don’t want to be or ordinary or extraordinary for that matter. I want to be me.
You will never accept me for who I am. You will never love me as much as you love yourself. I will never come first. I learned that the hard way and yet for some masochistic reason, here I am. I can’t say that I don’t have feelings for you cause it’s clear as a day that I still do. I am both, this empowered woman and the scared little girl that misses you and wants you. And I can’t be both. I should love myself more. I should love you less. And when you texted me I should have ignored you. Yet here we are again. You, with your distant demeanour and I, trying not to beg you to love me. I am good at begging. I’ve done that way too many times. You’ve broken my heart more times that I can count. You never fought for me.
I am not much of a crier these days. I am numb. It’s morbid how numb I am. A guy even told me that I am as cold as ice. And I don’t mind this. It will pass eventually. Everything does.
Song lyrics in my head
My love is strong as a lion, soft as the cotton you’re lying, sometimes we got hot as an iron…