A letter for my past

A letter for my past

A letter for my past

LTME-postDear ex best friend,
When I got to know you, you were someone totally different to me. I started learning about you. The way you are, they way you presented yourself, how you would hide your emotions and act like everything was fine. How you kept on putting a brave face, while I knew you were trying not to fall apart inside. Then as I slowly got to know you, I realize you were one of the popular guys, the one who got the girls and one who loves to play around. I found it funny actually, because people would tell me such awful things about you, but I would just shrug it off, because I knew who you really were, or so I thought. To me, you were just like me. A lost soul in this messed up world. I started caring for you, and you became someone really important in my life.
Slowly, without even realizing, I started falling for you. I loved you for what you couldn’t love yourself for. I love that insecure kid inside of you. I loved that brown eyes, that were tainted with tears at 4 am after you broke down and cried to me. I loved the way you were, the way your hair fell across your eyes, as you would nonchalantly push it away because you were so into your game world. I loved the way you would laugh, so carefreely, when we were out with our friends. I loved the way you would be so cheeky with me, silently stealing my drinks, and smiling oh so mischievously that would just melt my heart. I loved the way you would fall asleep, and turn and pull me closer, as you would mumble, “i don’t want to lose you”. I loved everything about you. That side of you that you never showed anyone except me. I just loved you. Truly, Madly, Deeply. I couldn’t help it. I knew it was going to be a mistake, falling for my own best friend but I didn’t care. I just needed you to be there with me, forever. How stupid I was.
Just out of the blue, you decided to tell me that you loved me. I felt so happy I cried, because I really fell for you, hard. However, the next words you uttered just broke my heart, and my tears of joy became tears of sorrows. You told me that you loved me, but you couldn’t change who you were, that you would always want to mess around with girls and be that guy. I knew, I knew you aren’t who you think you are, you aren’t that kind of guy, I knew that, and I tried my best to make you see it as well. I tried my best. I really did try to change you not because I hated the way you were, no. It was because I saw a better version of you, I knew who you could be if you just tried, I know how much you could become, how amazing you were, if you actually took the initiative to change.
However, you took this as a bad thing and felt like I was trying to control you. Yes, of course I got jealous of the girls whom you’d bring out and date even though you told me you loved me and cared for me. You felt like I was getting obsessive. I wasn’t. I just really loved you and just tore me apart that I had to share you with all of the other girls that were just one night stands to you. I couldn’t take it. I tried, so many times, to actually explain it to you, but you would just yell at me, accusing me of such hurtful things, saying I was trying to ruin your fun and I was being problematic in your life.
I knew, there would come a day, you would throw me away and replace me with someone else because you felt like I am already of no use to you because I seem to try to change you and I always try to explain when you would hurt me so badly. One day, it finally happened. Just like that. You threw me away. Like I meant nothing to you for the past 2 years. After everything we’ve been through, I was nothing to you anymore and it broke me. The girl you knew, the girl who fell in love with you, the girl who sacrificed so much for you, the girl who made you a priority in her life died that day. You killed the one person who loved you more than herself. You broke my heart and made me so numb and dead inside.
I changed after that day. Everyday I would still miss you but I remembered the way you could just dispose me aside without even blinking twice. I hope you’re happy with your new friends. With your new best friend. With her. Just remember one thing, if I was in your position, I would never have done what you did, ever in my life. You meant everything to me. You were my world. You were my FIRST LOVE. I hope you’re happy with your new life though.
xxx
Somebody you used to know.

3 Comments

  1. Anonymous 3 years ago

    Hang in there. Your letter is so intense. I’m sharing this with you to cut to the chase.
    http://www.a-dvaita.nl/ebook/PaulSmit_Enlightenment.pdf
    With love,
    Anon

  2. Narmatha 3 years ago

    Thank you. <3

  3. Sara 3 years ago

    This is amazing. You’re super talented. Keep it up.

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