I read somewhere that writing is medicinal. That is the reason for this letter. I could start off by saying that the way my heart feels is similar to the biggest caffeine rush I have ever experienced. I don’t know what it’s like to love me but I know that my love is frightening. It is confusing like a difficult equation you can’t solve. I feel like you and I are an unsolvable equation too. I can treat you right if you let me, I saw the way you looked at me the other night and I think it scared you. I can love you through the darkest nights and put you straight to sleep. I am willing to kiss all your scars away, I can really be the one if you let me. Lately my mind has been saying there is an existing spark between you and I. At the end of the day, friends don’t do what we do. I wish you understood the palpable anger, wasps that grow deep inside me every time a name of another girl slips from your tongue into the air.
I fell in love with you at parties. Your laugh echoes in the deepest of my thoughts. The moment your hands find my body at these parties, and the same words are whispered into my ears, my body is ignited like a burning house that no one else can see is burning. The sound of those words live inside me for weeks. It’s interesting how lately you can manage to create delight and also be the taker of it. Somehow I can read your emotions. I know my love can seem scary, but I have loyalty sketched into my skin, all your secrets are safe with me. The thing about me is I have always loved intensely. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around giving this up. Like we don’t do anything more than just fuck. Like we don’t make love? Like we haven’t touched the deepest parts of each other?
The day you mentioned you were tired of just having sex with girls and wished someone liked you I had basketballs in my mouth. When it was my turn to shoot, I didn’t. It scares me to think our friendship is just that. I love you in a language I don’t fully understand. As surprisingly satisfactory as when you get an extra chicken nugget in your order. I love you in words I can’t fish out of my mouth, so I have chosen to love you silently. I wrote you this letter you will never read, I will continue to look forward to our blurry consciences directing us to spend another night together and smile. I love you and I don’t think you will ever know. I just know that friends don’t do what we do.