I have to let you go

I have to let you go

I have to let you go

S,  I’ve come to the very painful realisation now that I have to let you go to be able to find myself. I became so entangled in you that I have totally forgotten who I am as a person. I truly believe that is real love, when you willingly lose yourself wholeheartedly to save someone else. Which doesn’t always happen. I didn’t save you, and I especially didn’t save myself.

Here we are again, back to being strangers who barely know each other after all the times we shared. I wish I didn’t love you so much. I love you so much I can feel it through my body when I say it. I look into your eyes still and it all comes rushing back. You hurt me countless times, cheated on me behind my back repeatedly, never showing any remorse for it, and still here I am wishing we were still together.

I wanted to be with you forever, I wanted you to put a ring on my finger & I wanted to have your children. Now I realise I would’ve just been subjecting more people to a miserable, soul-sucking, lifeless existence that was inflicted on the two of us by people around us. Why did you let other people tear us down, S? Why did you throw me away so quickly without realising that your life was without a doubt, better with me in it?

Fuck, I love you so much though. Regardless of all the pain, suffering and self harm you have caused me, I still love you with everything I’ve got. Why do you still feel like home to me when you give me no safety or protection? I want to be myself again. Me, without you. Because as much as I can sit here and deeply pour out my feelings and say how much I love you.. I need to return to myself again. Saving you is killing me, and I have to make the ultimate decision. Still, I love you so so much. I wish you were back with me, safe. I love you I love you I love you.

Forever & always. But I also hope I stop feeling like that soon. Please.


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