When we met we were both in a dark place, but when I saw you, an incredible light flooded in. From the moment you entered my life, my entire world shifted.
All of a sudden, someone saw me like I always dreamed someone would. No one had ever seen me the way you did. No one had ever made me feel the way you did. It only took 10 days for us to fall in love and for us to say those words. And when that happened, everything changed. Everything I knew about love, hope and true happiness was all of a sudden different. I guess that’s it right there. When I was with you, I finally felt true love and true happiness.
You told me I was your world.
You told me I was your home.
You told me I had changed your life.
You told me you had never loved anyone this much before.
You told me we would have a beautiful life together.
You told me everything would work out.
You told me you never wanted to be without me.
You told me you would never stop loving me.
You told me you would love me forever.
Thousands of love texts, days under the covers, more “I love you’s” than I had ever heard or ever said and all the plans. Plans to build a life together and meet your children. Plans to be yours. Plans to be together forever. You promised me a life; a home; a world. I thought I was on the path of beauty and had finally found my destiny. I believed I had discovered where I was meant to exist. I believed I had finally found my home.
I thought I had met my soul mate, but you had other plans.
The promise of forever started to get fuzzy. One day, under those covers, you told me that maybe you couldn’t make forever happen. But even so, you continued to love me. And when it was time for our love to be real forever, something changed.
I gave you the freedom to make sure that I was what you wanted. I never thought that would backfire. I never thought you’d pick anyone that wasn’t me. You had told me you would love me forever. You had told me I had changed your life. You had told me you wanted to be with me forever. We had talked about how amazing our life would be.
Yet there you were, not picking me.
You broke my heart and smashed it into a thousand pieces. Promises made. Every one broken.
Do you know that I shattered my world? Do you know that every shard of that shattered world sliced me open? Even so, it didn’t matter because I thought I had you. I thought I had discovered something that so few are fortunate to experience in their lifetime. I thought I had found true love. I felt so blessed to be experiencing something so profound. I believed myself to be finally complete and whole.
I was wrong.
I wasn’t your happily ever after; I was just a happily for now. I didn’t belong in your world; however, my vision was distorted. I was so blind in love that I didn’t realize your reality until after you tore my heart open. You realized that your life didn’t need me and that you didn’t need me, but you waited far too long to tell me.
When you finally told me that we wouldn’t be together, you broke me in a way I’ve never experienced before. The pain I felt when I fully realized we were finished was excruciating.
All I ever wanted was for you to pick me.
To choose me.
To fight for me, our life and our love.
But you never did.
You hurt me more than anyone ever has or ever will.
Years have passed. We continue to talk and see each other, from time to time. But I know you will never pick me.
So what do I do now?
How do I say goodbye?
How do I move forward?
How do I let go?
I want to let you go and stop wishing for a future that will never arrive. I want to let go of the memories of you that haunt every space in my mind. I want to move on with my eyes solely focused on peace and acceptance.
But before I try to do that, I want you to know a few things.
I want you to know that you were the love of my life.
I want you to know that I still love you, so much.
I still dream about the life we planned.
I still close my eyes and imagine you.
I still fall asleep thinking about you and your kisses.
I still wake up hoping to see you beside me.
I want you to know that I still want to be with you.
And despite everything, I will always love you.