The Spanish Guy who made me feel loved

The Spanish Guy who made me feel loved

The Spanish Guy who made me feel loved

Hi My Bebu, 

I hope you don’t find this email annoying. I know I am still annoying to you. I know you might not like my message, but I hold nothing against you. I wish you Happy Birthday!!!! You’re 22 now. Happy for you. 

I wrote this freaking message after the night we broke up. Imagine that I am so dramatic and crying to my laptop writing this to you. hahahaha. I know that you are happy where you are. You are lucky that you still have someone writing email for you hahaha. I should’ve not done this but here I am. Writing like a mediocre but I’ve realized that we never stop loving people. 

I know you’re going to be fed up with me. Because I will be really insane and crazy. Maybe that’s my part of moving on process. Pushing you to hate me so much because of the constant giving you criticism. I am just really waiting for you to block me on WhatsApp and phone contact. I have so many mixed emotions seeing you hating and still caring about me simultaneously. I know that we will completely stop getting in touch. 

Firstly, I WANNA SAY SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. For negative traits. If I tend to blow up to you on WhatsApp and in person. Also, I really let you down and our relationship is greatly affected by it. I am deeply sorry for everything that I have done. I am fully taking reflections into it especially the way I am judging and body shaming you for your dick. I should’ve really done that. But because I feel insecure bitch and I can’t fully express myself very well. I tend to project my hatred on you by harshly saying nonsense/hurtful stuff.

And yes, I am not comprehending your message in WhatsApp because I am full of myself. I am regretting that I was so narrow-minded to do that you and I easily get carried away by my inner self ( bad traits ). I should have taken the chance working out with you. But I ended up, betraying my own self because of my insecurities. This is really breaks my heart with what I’ve done in the relationship. I got so obsessed and psychologically abused you. I’ve really crossed the line. You have every right to be offended and hurt. And I am truly sorry.

I am taking a serious time/ awareness to be more mindful with my behavior with other people when I get comfortable. I will fully changing my behavior and work with toxic traits. I was really ashamed how I behaved. The worst part about it all is how I made you feel. You don’t deserve that kind of treatment.  I know I don’t need to explain myself because you don’t have room for that anymore as you’re fully moved on and might be dating someone. probably the girl that I get jealous of. If that happen, I will be happy for you because you deserve to be happy.

Thank you because I’m gonna be aware of my toxic traits and it will be a good step for me to grow deeper into a better version of myself. I don’t have intentions to hurt you this so bad but that’s how it turns out because I am a wounded person. I should’ve broken up with you. You are such an incredible partner and I loved you so much for that. I feel so awful that I ever let you down like this. Even we’re not contacting anymore maybe even just forgive me on what I’ve done I will be good. Maybe right now, I am using the pain as my fuel as you’ve said. Maybe, while you are reading this, I am also taking all the knowledge you’ve shared to me for gym. Maybe, I am really taking it seriously now afterall that happened for us. I am really sorry Kevin for hurting you. I am taking accountability on my mistakes and I will keep growing as matured young adult. 

My heart is so invested that I don’t wanna face the truth that we broke up. Thank you for giving me the chance to love you Kevin for all those boring and simple dates we had, for introducing me into your family; for the respect, love, care, understanding and trust, and for the relationship we had. Before, I was kinda hate you because you were hurting me. For making me feel like I was mistake for you. For not having a good body. For not meeting own needs. For having bad traits too not only me in the relationship. But above all of this, I want to say thank you for letting me go. 

I didn’t regret having you, even for a short period of time we’ve spent together. Those four months is really unforgettable. Why did I say that? Whenever I am remembering everything we had done. I couldn’t help myself to laughed about it. I could still remember on how we started as a couple. Starting from when we went to Latino Party, the winter breeze season, when you used to come to my place before you’re going to work. When we walked around the Gastown Area, after we watched the movie and Waterfront Station.  I could still remember when you are trying to help me with Ice skating in Kitsilano. I couldn’t stare at your eyes because you were good looking. I have melt breakdown. It’s really unforgettable. I miss the memories and for being who you are as a person. During those times I’ve spent with you, I feel so special, respected, love and admired by someone like you. 

You were so a loving, sensible, understanding, and caring person. Very affectionate. I could still remember when we were in the club when we started talking, I could feel how you make me feel comfortable when you spoke to me. You offer me your hand.  You are so handsome. You are only just wearing a ” Black T-shirt ”  I wasn’t in love then because I don’t believe in love and first sight. But you are irresistible. Just looking at you makes me smile.

It was so funny when you smiled at me when we first met. I was melting internally, but my pussy ain’t wet. Thank God. I already thought ” Oh God, his smile is brighter than my future” Hahahahhaha your smile is really my favorite thing, I am glad that you are taking good care of them because I also love seeing them and I think I already said that to you.

Then after I stalked your Instagram ” I was like so he looks like Greek God ” hahaha which sometimes Im saying dumbass stupid nonsense. Whenever I look into your eyes. I was head over heels. I see intelligence, humor, and kindness. I wish I could look into them all day but I was really shy deep inside I wanna worship you hahaha. Your smell is irresistible. Like I couldn’t stop smelling your neck and kissing your cheeks. I started to feel powerless when you start to grab me and give me snuggles.

I easily got turned on by you. Like I won’t mind you to fuck me throughout the day. You look so hot whenever you’re doing the missionary and dog-style position in front of the vanity mirror in my bedroom. I don’t really mind you disrespecting me in bed, Kevin. Like fully, I want you. I love how you look into eyes when we’re used to fucked. You look so hot when you’re kissing me down there; the way you’re kissing me, there is so good like I am gonna pray to God “Why is this man having a relationship with me” ” He’s sex, God” ” He can fuck me good if he will know well what he has to do” and Im grabbing your curly hair.

I think I love everything about you physically and your personality. Your curly hair, broad shoulders, incredible arms, and biceps. Your big ass is clogged up. Your thigh. Amazing kisser. Those are turning me on.  You are perfect. Everything you do to me in sex is a really incredible experience. Your touch is driving me completely crazy. You’re warm, pressured, and powerful touch like damnnnnn. Biting my lips. I want you to feel as amazing as you just made me feel, but I am so insecure with my body. 

I loved you with all my heart even I knew you weren’t willing to give me enough, even if you weren’t ready to exert the effort to give me more than what I deserved, even if you gave me less than what I expected I might had been too clingy and super attached to you emotionally. I demanded too much of your time and attention which you were able to give me unconditionally, but during the hardest times, you’re trying so hard to be supportive and caring boyfriend which I greatly appreciate. But also I’ve realized that I need something more than that.

Maybe you were scared when I started to be more serious about what I really wanted. Maybe you thought that you are not ready in the relationship but you realized that you weren’t. Right now, I fully realized that you were scared to commit yourself because you weren’t ready and I feel like being with me its just a greatly distraction towards on you.But the main factor, is how I am disrespect you as person.  I don’t feel had bad blood toward you despite of everything that happened to us. I know sometimes I am so harsh of giving you criticism. Im deeply apologize for that. Maybe, that’s how I express myself when I am hating and being mad at you.

I wish that you were the person that I could cry and lean on, someone who would always have my back whatever happened. But you never were. Still, I loved you, accepted your flaws, and I was happy I did. I just wanna let you know what things that really hurt me in our relationship that in my back of mind its processing the pain. I am trying to accept that we are only attracted to each other. That you didn’t love me during the relationship. Our relationship was not failure, it just wasn’t mean to last forever.

I will keep all the good memories we had and the lessons that I’ve learned from you and even the good advices too. Maybe we belong to someone else. Someone we can be much happier with through the roller coaster ride of our lives. Someone who can accept us and help us grow. Time is slowly flying fast. Probably many things will be changed since we parted our ways. Maybe you were happy right now with someone else.

My biggest wishes for you is I hope you learn more, grow up and be more responsible individual in all aspects of your life. I also wish you to become mature enough  to nurture every relationship you’ll ever have with every woman you’ll in your arms. I hope you can wipe her tears away when she cries and support her in everything she might need without judgement and questioning. I mean you are good person and I know you will be good partner. That is certainly beautiful.

I never regret meeting you and accepting you in my life. You brought happiness in my world. Even if we’re not together anymore, I still want the best for you. A new beginning for a brand new you. I hope you have more fun and find happiness even if there are no reasons to be happy. Life has limitless opportunities. Past romance cannot be replace and forgotten easily. Nevertheless, the next chapter can be more meaningful. Believe that we will always find a way if we have the will. It will always work out. Stay positive, cool, like you always are. Thank you. If it weren’t for all the things from the past with you, I wouldn’t happier than before. 

I would still like to see you again, probably bump into each other on this small planet. Not because I still love you and miss you, but because I want to say thank you personally and drain all the bad blood if there is. I thank you for everything. For all the good and bad memories, for the fun and teasing moments and for bringing out the new version of myself. Thank you for the difficult emotions, knowledge and music you brought to me. 

I am so much happier and carefree now. If you are reading this, I genuinely wish you nothing but peace and pure happiness in your heart.

Maybe while you are reading I am already moved on. 

See you somewhere unexpected. 

No longer yours


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