DJ,

You walked away and that should be enough to answer all the questions that I have. I don’t miss you anymore, but some things still linger. The day you left you were so cold. You were done. You broke a lot of promises that day. You chose being “free” over having a life with me. That has not been an easy pill to swallow, but i only want you and everyone else to be happy. Here’s the thing though, I am not going to be that typical ex and pretend as if everything was fine and I don’t miss you at all, because let’s be honest, no one actually feels that way. I do think about you. How could i not? You were a huge part of my life for a couple of weeks (embarrassing, I know), and I saw something with you. 

You were my favorite person, and you were my best friend. It would be silly for us to pretend that we don’t think about each other or miss each other (who am I kidding, I don’t miss you). I just wonder what my life would be like right now if we’d never gotten together). Still, how could you not have at least reached out to check on me after the breakup? How could you so quickly cut me out of your life like that, as if I meant nothing to you? Still, I think I will always want to see you thrive and succeed in life. So, I hope after all is said and done, we can move past this and still support and cheer each other on, just from a distance.

There are some things I want you to know, though. I want you to know, I never wanted to change you. How could I? I fell for you for a reason. I only ever wanted to support and help you. Leading us into war, which I never meant to start. I saw the internal struggle within you, but I also saw the beautiful heart within you. I had so much passion for you, that I only ever wanted to push you and challenge you to be your best-self, because I believed in you. You told me on our final day together that it was too much- that was never my intention. I was just scared. I had given you my whole heart, but the lack of trust got the best of me. 

There are also many things I want to thank you for. I want to thank you for your patience. During our time together, I was in the middle of a hard time in my life and wasn’t always the most easy person to be around, but you were always really patient with me and I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. I want to thank you for always being there to help me. You helped me with so much. You stood by me when I became unhealthy and pushed me to be better. When I finally decided to, there you were ready to help me. You taught me so much, that I know I wouldn’t be as far as I am now without your guidance, so thank you. One of the many lessons I have come to learn during this time is, a part of healing is also noting how I was toxic. I wasn’t perfect, and part of the growing process for me has been understanding where I went wrong.

The thing is, you see, I’m not the same person you once knew. I’m sure you thought I was going to breakdown and contact you. You probably thought I was miserable waiting for you to come back, and I’m not going to lie, it was really hard in the beginning. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, I constantly thought I was sinking into the ground, my chest felt completely hollow.

Lastly, I want you to know, even after all the pain you caused me, I do not regret being with you, I don’t regret giving my time to you and I most certainly do not regret loving you.

Yours,
Ant