It feels like it was another lifetime ago that we were together. Like I was trapped in some sort of terrible dream I couldn’t wake up from, where the past just kept repeating itself over and over. The last “conversation” I had with you was asking for an apology for some of the behavior you displayed while we were together and instead you apologized for how we were together. This admittedly made me feel angry. I had always felt that you didn’t take responsibility for a lot, but at the time I also wasn’t taking full responsibility for my actions either. I had apologized for the things I had done or said in reaction to one of our many fights, but it wasn’t until I got distance that I could sit back and see why it was such a powder keg. I was a girl who had been previously abused and had PTSD, and who ran when things got to scary as a survival tactic. You were a boy with abandonment issues and very bad anxiety. That is a dangerous combination. Mind you, the woman I am now and the girl I was even a year ago are worlds apart. I don’t react to hostility, aggression or control like I did before. I don’t feel the need to leave to calm myself down and stay centered, which means I don’t have to deal with someone trying to prevent me from going anywhere. I also do not accept behavior like that from anyone, and never will ever again. I only need to be present in the moments in my life as they come, and there is no shouting or negative energy everywhere. I could write a novel on the analysis of bad behavior you and I displayed, but that’s not really what I want to write.
It doesn’t matter to me if you read this or not, as to me this is just sending a last remnant of thought off into the world. I’ve had two dreams of you since I left you. The first you came pounding on my door, knowing I had let someone love me just a few months after we parted, demanding to be let in. I told you to go, but you persisted. Upon opening the door you told me “you belong to me” and I discovered you had been watching me. You were there to let me know there was no escaping you. In the dream you swallowed me up in a sea of darkness. I woke up from it shaking. Realizing how some of the events that transpired between us had been truly traumatizing. I can imagine you maybe had a similar experience. Well, not literally with the same dream, but in possibly feeling haunted by those past feelings. The second was over Sammy being sick. He had to be put down, but I was adamant that you had to know. The vet kept reassuring me that you did not need to know, and that she would take care of it. She would do what I couldn’t. I resisted and somehow ended up back with you. You went to touch me to draw me towards you and I sobbed. My heart had the purest sadness because I knew in the depths of my soul that I never wanted to be with you or near you again, and I told you as much. That dream left me in a state of clarity. Also I hugged Sammy for ~1 hour because of the very thought of losing him wasn’t something I could stand. I had realized that I wasn’t owned by you anymore. My love, my body and my heart were all mine to give to whomever I choose. I was past feeling like I was cheating when I would sleep with other people, because I had reclaimed my identity.
This year, away from you and the situation we were in…has been the best year of my life. I am so grateful for the actions I took, and only regret not doing it sooner. If I prayed, it would be that you are having a similar experience. That all the things I told you came to be. That you would find love, or have found love. That all the things you deserve would come to you, and that money while helpful isn’t everything. I’m unsure about the last one for you, but the rest I know is a certainty of life. I hope you’re sewing oats and being present in your life too. We both deserve our happiness.
I have reflected upon my life greatly this year, and while I do not think many of the things you did were appropriate, normal or ok, I forgive you. I didn’t have as strong of an understanding of anxiety or your own traumas that caused you to to react how you did, or try to control me like you did. I think if I had, things may have been slightly less tumultuous, but…I doubt it would have changed our future together, I think it would have just eased the present while we lived in it. I hope someday you forgive me for my short comings and behavior too. I am not proud of my words or actions and reflect on them to ensure that I am a better partner and person to the people I love. Friends, family and the great loves that have come into my life this year have been amazing lessons in compassion and self acceptance. I needed this, to be alone, to grow independent and strong my entire life. It’s made the relationships I’ve found much more satisfying in many ways. I’m glad we got the change now rather than later, and am so entirely grateful that we never eloped like we had talked about. God. I hope for so many good things for you. I hope you repair your relationship with your family. I hope you get a job that pays you what you deserve without working you to death. I hope that you find the girl of your dreams, if you haven’t already, and I hope you love her with every once of your being.
You are a good man, and I am so sorry if I ever had any part in making you feel like you were less than fantastic. No one deserves to be disrespected, and I wish that in the face of the things you said to me or did, that I had remembered that. We tore each other down instead of building each other up, and I think it was due to the fact that we just…were never meant to be together and resentment is a real thing that can sneak up on you. Well, I’m done apologizing or explaining myself. I no longer “beat a dead horse” as you used to tell me. Just promise me, or yourself, that you will never let your anxiety become so bad that it damages another person or yourself again.
So, I hope you love yourself and finally see what other people have seen in you all along. You will always have a special place in my heart, but you are part of my past now, the same as I am a part of yours. I hope your future is bright, and that the bet was wrong and that you make it well over the age of 33.