I am writing this letter because, despite how hard I wished to meet up with you in person and talk things through, and the fact that we almost did meet up, you will not let me have that opportunity, and you don’t want to the same way I do. I can’t make you want to talk to me. I can’t make you think that seeing me for the last time or saying goodbye is important. But it is to me. And I’m the person that I need to look after in this situation.
There are a lot of things I never got the chance to say. We finished secondary school and communication was just severed. I was at the lowest point in my life independently of the stuff with you. I didn’t know I was going to end up going to college in the same place as you, it was just where I was accepted into Medicine…This should all have ended years ago.
Why do you still message me, with no intention of being a part of my life?
Why can’t you just let me move on and forget that you exist, since you don’t want to know me properly?
We know each other for a long time. I really, really cared about you, even if it didn’t always come out in clear cut mature ways. I kept those lines of communication open longer than I should have. In the mean- time, I have met a lot of kind people, but haven’t opened up to them as much as I opened up to you. I remember I spent a lot of time hoping I might run into you in various places. You never asked me if I’d like to spend some time with you. You never wanted to spend time with me. I imagined maybe you were too busy to make time to spend with a girl. Or that you had some living of your own to do. So did I. But it’s really just that you had no interest in spending any time with me. Which is your prerogative. I cannot and should not force a position in your life which does not exist. And you should let me go.
It’s really hard to say good bye to people when you know that you might never see them again. But that’s the reality of it. That’s how life is.
I have said a lot of what I wanted to say to you. I’ve thanked you for being there for me and I’ve apologised for leaning on you in the past. I’ve said I felt that you bullied me with some other people in school. I said how heartbroken I was when you went off with your ex and when you brought her to the debs. I’ve said it hurts me that you won’t talk to me. I’ve said I wanted to meet up repeatedly. But I also kind of knew it wasn’t going to happen.
I’m walking out of the situation knowing that I gave it what I had at the time.
I could not have done things differently and them lead to a different outcome.
We are absolutely meant to let each other go. Our paths have run sort of parallel for this amount of time post-secondary school. Now they are going to diverge in a big way.
There will be a better fit for me out there, and I’m sure someone will be a better fit for you too. I will eventually forget all about you (or at least I will try to) and what you look like. And when I eventually see you, if I do, you might not look like you do now. And I won’t look like I do now. It will all just be a distant memory.
And we already don’t know each other anymore anyway. I have changed SO much in the past few years, that I barely even recognise myself. I have been busy unbecoming some of the ugliest things about myself. When I was talking to you, I revisited some of those places. I don’t know that I could ever talk to you without just seeing myself through the lens of someone who only got to see the worst version of me.
But still. I am someone who likes to know that I’ve left people on positive terms. You just never know what might happen in the future to that person. I wouldn’t want to have any regrets. Could we change the path they’re going down at all, for the better? Could we make sure that when they look back on their life so far, they know that someone out there cared for them deeply, and sometimes that is all someone needs in their darkest hours.
Leaving this tie behind me has been painful and difficult. I don’t think you have bad intentions. I honestly believe that we both care about each other. If you don’t actually care about me, honestly it wouldn’t make much difference at this point, because I’m secure enough to know that it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed have feelings. But it seems like we just can’t stop hurting each other. I notice that both times we tried to meet up, the meet ups didn’t happen. And each time we got together drunkenly, it left me feeling cold. It’s because it is just not meant to be.
But all of that said. I absolutely would not be who I am if I hadn’t met you. You are the single best friend I have ever had. You were so young when we were together, but you had such a soothing and knowing sounding voice and I had so much faith in you. Sometimes I feel like you were in a parental role to me, in a weird way, not that that was a fair burden to bear on a teenage boy. You saw me for who I was. I will never forget when you said to me, ‘just be yourself.’ I’ll also never forget when you took my hand for the first time, or when you kissed me on the forehead. Or when you said I was like your sister. I don’t think you knew that these things were important to me and I don’t know if that part of you is still in existence, but it was at some point and that’s all that matters. I learned more about being a kind person, a forgiving person, and trusting that life is going to look after me from you than from any of my other relationships so far. Another thing that I have learned is that I need to pay more attention to the fact that other people have their own battles to fight. You keep your own inner struggles so close to your chest that sometimes I entirely forget that you might have been reaching out to me because you weren’t in a good place. You wouldn’t ever say so, though. You seem to have a habit of being in a supportive role to someone else. I’m not sure how you would feel if I said that to you. But I have wondered if it is because of your childhood.
Some other interesting things: we sometimes seemed to be so on the same page, that I swear we had the same brain. There were a few times when you gave a voice to some of my deepest thoughts. Knowing you made me believe in God more than knowing anyone else ever did. Knowing you made me believe in fate, and in soul mates. It makes me think that we are meant to meet certain people along the way, and it helps us become who we are supposed to be. But not necessarily to be around forever.
I think I need some time away from your to really take in the fact that you’re gone. I need to spend some time getting to know me, and taking a look around at the life that I have been leading without you for a long time already. I hope that your life turns out amazingly. I hope that when you remember me it is not with bad feeling. If you ever feel like you really need to talk to me, of course I’ll be there to listen. You’ve been there for me so many times. But for now, I think we need to both turn away from each other and go in our own respective directions.
Now, as I was trying to say to you recently: goodbye and good luck Simon.