How are you doing Ben?
I was going to write “Hey”, but I remembered the “stages of Hey” meme you sent me and I also feel awkward to type Hello, so I am just going to start this letter with “How are you doing” H-a-h-a.
Do I begin my letter saying I miss you so much and I want you back in my life? or… should I just apologize first?
I know you hate the word “regret”, but man I think I can’t find a different word that can describe my feelings.
I do regret everything that I did Ben. And I just miss you so much that my heart aches.
I know, I was the one who changed, I was the one who ruined this relationship, and I was the one who took everything for granted. I’m so selfish, aren’t I? But I really wanted to say it. I miss you Ben. I miss everything. and I just want to say sorry. Sorry for every single thing.
I remember our late night calls from hangouts to discord.
When I was going through tough times, you were there for me. You really cared about me, but I was too stupid to realize and only thought about what I gave. You gave me so much emotionally.
I remember when I was walking home late at night and no one picked up except you.
I remember when you played piano for me. Those chopin, mozart, yiruma and hisashi songs.
I will forever remember our singing times. Although you lost your passion for singing after some time, it was still the best time of my life. Every day, we would voice call, screenshare, and do exercises like lip trills and the NG-sounds. Still makes me smile at night when I think about those times.
I will also remember the times when I cried like a whale and you were there to comfort me. You never criticized me. You always called me pretty, beautiful, and nice. I miss every single moment. I guess I just miss having you in my life. Your warmth. Sometimes, I just wish I can call you and talk about my day like I did a year ago.
But you know what’s sad Ben?
Nights spent without you are now more familiar to me.
There were times when I thought about you every single day, but I guess time is really the medicine.
After our relationship ended, I hung out with my friends. I met new people. Also, drank with them. ( yeah I kind of talked shit about you to them during that time)
But when I was on my way back home, I just started crying.
I wanted to hear your voice so badly. That’s it, really. I knew your voice would stop my tears.
That’s how I knew you would be in my heart forever.
I’m the one who left you, I didn’t ever want to see you again, but I miss you.
I need the familiar you.
I know if I hear your voice, I will miss you even more, but I just want to hear you say my name.
And if I ever get a chance, I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.
If you ever read this, (even though you probably won’t) I’m not asking you to text me back.
You don’t need to text me back if you still hate me. That’s okay.
I am writing this letter because I wanted to say sorry.
And thank you so much for filling that space in my heart.
I loved you, I love you, and I will always love you no matter what.
Lots of love,